NEW RANT OUT NOW, SCROLL DOWN FOR BIG #4!!!!!!!!!!!
Toxicsnafu's wyld, wyld world:
the following comedy rants are written by a man who only wishes to be credited as TOXICSNAFU. the views and opinions presented herein are not necessarily those of the staff and management of oriental jame's king ralph "braves vs. yankees" cosmic guano don "craighead" lui kang wetsslide... you know "the drill". grafx by the head. NOW TASTE YOUR FILL!
RANT #1
I write to you fine folks today to address the almighty topic of the battle of the sexes...while i'm too fucking lazy to cover all my profound (and somewhat radical) views on this all in one article or whatever the fuck you wanna call this thing, i will start off by giving you (the viewer of this
elequent litterature) just a few reasons why we as men are far more superior to the inferior and obnoxious female gender, if you think i'm being a dick, you're right, i'm feeling sexist right now, and i will confess....i do not give a fuck
some differences between men and women are:
-men think, women don't
vs. 
-men like beer and watch porn, women drink diet smoothies and watch lifetime (i love that show about lesbians always something to spank it to, they made that show for US)
-women can't make a clear decision without resorting to cosmopolitan, they've always got ways of turning a simple situation into a drama theatre
i shall avoid this discussion now and move onto something else for the moment, i mean there's no point in even arguing my statement i know i'm right, but i'm never left, that's something to think about...
i'm not up or down either, which doesn't concern me in the least, but nonetheless, sometimes its best not to ponder the ununderstandable (is that even a word? IT IS NOW ^_^), sometimes its just best to accpet things as they are, we don't need knowledge everything we know could potentially
hurt us so ignorance is liss, and stupor is eutopia, don't be ashamed of your lack of intelligence you fucking moron...
wait, how come i am judging you, you must be thinking now that i am a complete asshole, well listen up sir or ma'am, i'm in one of those moods where things are said that are not necessarily meant and i will not be held responsible for my actions, and before i do say something i regret i will
leave for today, it's been a pleasure, if you have anything to say about this don't hesitate to look in the mirror and point to your nether regions and contemplate its purpose
toodles
yours insincerely,
Toxicsnafu
8-)#
RANT
#2
Greetings dumbfucks
and dumbfuckettes
, Today my landlady made me a tasty lunch, nutritional and tasty (yes an odd combination but a savory one indeed), anways after this delicious meal i had an epiphany
: being poor sucks! Especially being poor and not being able to buy food, living in England
i tend to see alot of wasted food in the morning, half-eaten
little boxes of fries
and kebabs (to those who are not familiar with the term "kebab", it's basically shreds of what looks like meat
but it smells like shit
so i haven't bothered to try it)....
Seeing wasted food
pisses me off because it makes me think of what an ungrateful world we live in, maybe i'm only saying this because i can barely afford to eat, if i made millions like those untalented morons known as "pop-stars"
i would probably take a bite of chicken and throw the rest to the bums, then bite a new piece of chicken each bite because i'd be so spoiled and filthy rich (but not filthy like the bums i'd throw my discarded meals to)
Picky kids
piss me off especially (i used to be one but that's not the point), because for every bit of veggie they spit out, one ethiopian child
could eat for 2 weeks, seriously, i've scientifically calculated this in detail...
wait no i haven't do i look like a fucking scientist? if i WAS a scientist i could afford a full meal once in awhile, i could probably compose some from chemical components
... anyways to those damn kids who don't eat anything that doesn't cause their taste buds to be consumed in unbelievable orgasms
, i'd hang them upside down and tease them by throwing pies
in their face
(of course i am not serious i would NEVER do such a thing..i mean pies.?..come on...that's just wrong, some people are lactose intolerant
*)
Food is not something that should be wasted
, wasting it is morally appalling, most of us are not aware of how hard people work for what we eat, they break their backs, sell their children and kill innocent animals
(IE cows
mmm delicious but not so innocent don't let their lethargic
demeanor fool you) ok maybe they're not any better than we are but if you're going to throw half of your fries away in the street cuz you're too drunk
to eat the rest, look for your nearest homeless person
/hobo/employmentarily challenged (trying to be PC, here you never know who i could offend, but it's not like homeless people would have access to the internet anyways would they so HA!), if you eat everything on your plate then give yourself a pat on the back, if you do throw away the last bit of chips
and the rest of your soda
because you're "too full" -boohoo- *sniff*
then slap yourself silly
and denounce yourself as a person, you are not worthy to have a mouth
until a later occasion, peace out, and please buy me a sandwich
Your starving companion,
8-)#
*editors note: many, many (most) pies do not contain lactose.
RANT #3
Howdy doodie motherfuckers, it's been awhile, did you miss me? Cuz I
sure as fuck didn't miss you 
The topic of conversation today is Will Smith, or rather, what he claims to
be his music career
Don't get me wrong, he's a funny guy, and a pretty good actor, but
his music SUCKS!! It sucks worse than a blackhole in outer space, and
believe me, those suck hard, almost as hard as your mother, and holy shit, need
I say more, I don't think you'd appreciate me talking about your mother
that way, and if she is deceased, then I apologize but you should've warned
me beforehand for making a joke of such nature, yes we're all psychic,
but you didn't see that coming did you?
Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked here
One of the funniest things about Will Smith's music is the utter
simplicity of the lyrics, what's more amazing is that he's actually managed to
sell these damn records, but what's even MORE amazing is that he can rap
about anything and basically it sounds like he's just talking "yo I'm lighting a cigar I locked my keys in the car, oh well I guess I'll have to walk far" shit like that pisses me off because meanwhile that shit's selling like hotcakes, those of us who are musically talented (yes I write music as well check out my website http:///www.myspace.com/toxicsnafu, shameless self-advertisement, please don't kill me king) are sitting there scratching our heads til we bleed attempting to fathom why on earth WE can't reap the benefits of the general public
I kid, I'm not a sell-out, but I'd sure as hell love to make a decent living off my expressive outlets, another hilarious factor in Agent Smith's music (MIB reference you dumbfucks) is the Big Willie Style thing- ok we know he's black, well so am I (yeah what did you think I was Chinese? Hells naw fool, take that back before I break off a piece) that doesn't meant you have to release a record to brag about your tantalizing kielbasa
whoa! sounded GAY for a minute there, I've got nothing against homosexuals mind you, hell, I find a hankering for man-meat myself sometimes, maybe I should see someone about that at some point...
What the fuck am I talking to YOU about this, this isn't Dr.Phil
, oh snap I've just given you a preview of my next rant, it should be good, and while I didn't really discuss Will Smith's "music" in detail (yes I had to add quotation marks cuz that's how baffled I am by the concept) I feel like I just blew a huge load from the mind, and believe me, that's almost as
good as blowing a real one, now if you don't mind, I'm going to go worship
myself, you can join me if you like
Toodles, your non-existent friend,
Toxicsnafu
8- )# that¡¦s a digital representation of my face by the way, I know
it looks like a pair of testicles dangling all juicy like but don't let your
homosexual urges take over, they have places for that
RANT #4: Dr. Phil
alrighty righty righty then....i have returned once again, and this
time i would like to discuss one mean helluva topic, but i'm gonna keep it
short ans sweet cuz well i gots shit to do, yes i have a life isn't that just
a baffling concept...
it's based on one of the most controversial psychologists and talk show
hosts in the world...DR.PHIL MCGRAW, and with a name like that you're
BOUND to gain some notoriety, (sounds more like a cattle-wrangler or bear
wrestler if you ask me)..
Now as you may already be fully aware, i'm not partial to this fella,
not only does he give the crappiest advice on marriage and relationships,
he actually gives advice to little kids!!
the invaluable advice he offers has undoubtedly affected many lives..i
say "affected" rather than "changed" because when you lower someone's
intlligence and common sense, you are therefore "affected" by the
process of retardification, i believe that's the proper teminology for his
motivational methods, i dunno...i'll have to look it up but i'd rather not
the more interesting point to add here is that he uses the same set as
Oprah Winfrey (did i spell her name right?, good cuz i don't give a shit..i'd
probably fuck her for cash though but that's for another topic i will
discuss later)
and she usually shows up on his show as well..in fact he
wouldn;t even have had the success he has right now if it wasn't for
Oprah..so what does that make you Mr.Mgraw?..it makes you OPRAH'S
BITCH!!!
I can see it now...thanksgiving dinner, Oprah unexpectedly shows up,
and gently rubs her finger against DR.Phil's arm as he shutters, and she
says "you know what time it is, phil, cmon now" and he's like "honey, you
know i love you but she gave us this wonderful life, we owe her, and this is
my way of showing my gratitude" and then they go do the dirty deed
but hell if i was him i'd enjoy sex with Oprah she's not that bad
lookin (oh god i can't BELIEVE i just admitted that!), although i wouldnlt mind
adding in Kirsty Alley for a sandwich 
;) i'm so glad she lost all weight cuz that bitch was packin some serious meat....whoops did i say BITCH? i
apologize to the females for this foul language...i meant to say HARLOTT WHENCH.. (does that appease your soul?, i think it is far more appropriate)
anyways....long story short...DR.Phil's a moron, and if you're one of
those people who do take his advice seriously, then i wish you the best of
luck in your life...becuase you would most certainly need it
yours insincerely
Toxicsnafu 8-)#
PS-Your mother was great last night, and i might be your father...
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